As we pass Stoney Ridge, Texas; I thank God for all that He has blessed me with: A loving and supportive family and a welcoming friend and life community. I have so much gratitude and appreciation for life. Driving across the country with open fields, endless roads and hours that came with no end, has really made me think. Thoughts about life, my past, my future and the expectation of which that future comes with, plagued the hours of my days. I have been inspired, motivated and challenged. I've also spent the last several days talking myself out of jumping into the unknown. There's so much my heart desires and I've been punishing myself for wanting too much. I have no idea why! Maybe it is all that's been burned into my brain. Or possibly the words that have slashed my heart like a whip. All this time I was thinking I had grieved and healed. Traveling cross country reveals so much more than just breathtaking scenery.
We started our trek in the woods of Wooster, Ohio. In the midst of farms and Amish country, I cannot begin to explain the yearning in my heart for simple and peaceful, country living. My friend and her family showed me days of fun and life in the country. I have never felt so at ease and without anxiety. It may have been all the luscious trees or perhaps all the homemade pie. Regardless, it was the first time I was able to fill my lungs with fresh air without worry. For those of you who don't know, I am a highly anxious and easily stressed person. To imagine a life with a house, a husband, a few children and pets running amuck was unreal. I've always wanted a family, but to envision it and feel it so tangible in Ohio is unbelievable. I'm a city girl, born and raised in the rambunctious, vibrant life of Los Angeles. Yet I feel such a strong pull to settle in the green and spacious country. Life growing up was far from easy but I was happy. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be… more. Yes, this is my quarter life crisis. If you don't recognize it then you haven’t had yours just yet and I hope you do not encounter it. But sitting in the woods, painting my future in the city just felt so restricting. I can see I could be more and have more out here. A city like Los Angeles is an ocean. One where fish can flop and go unnoticed. I realize that sounds dark and twisty but I don't want to be lost in a dreary life. A life where I am consumed with work because I have to work 50 plus hours to pay my mortgage and bills. A life without adventure or excitement, I couldn't bear it. The future is so far away but it feels like I am entering the days that I didn't think would come any sooner.
As we trekked on, driving through Kentucky to Nashville, I felt sad, like I was leaving a dream world. The closer we got to Tennessee the more the excitement grew inside me. We reached Nashville, greeted by warmth and about 85% humidity. We were visiting with my friend’s brother and his wife. They welcomed us into their charming home and showed us around town. I was growing fonder of Nashville. There was country and city, not an overwhelming metropolis but fun places and bright lights. Enough to keep ones attention. It started to feel comfortable and almost familiar. Meanwhile exploring Tennessee, it dawned on me that if I loved it so much over here: why not live here? The more I thought about it and played with the idea of creating a life for myself here, the more it felt possible. A few days in the hidden gems of Nashville and I was hooked! It is city enough to feed my busy lifestyle, but country enough to make room for my future. We drove off with excitement and motivation pulsing in my heart. Although, the drive through Alabama and Mississippi began to draw my thoughts to the negative. If I moved to Tennessee I'd be alone, without a job and where would I live? There's no way I would make it. I can't do it, I thought. I began to pray for God to reassure me that my hearts desires are valid and absolutely possible. I sat with my feelings for the next several hours and asked myself some questions… Why do you think you can't do it? ... Do you believe you are truly alone?... Why don't you believe in yourself? There it was. There I was: 4 years old with pigtails and tears in my eyes, afraid. I thought I had moved beyond my past, let it go and believed in the good of the world. I'm still holding on, white knuckles and a lump in my throat. Honks and aggressive cars interrupt my thoughts; New Orleans, Louisiana!
Nola was a different world. Buildings were half torn, streets were filled with people, history sang at every corner. It felt haunted. So much had happened there and you could feel it all crawling on your skin. When we arrived at the guest house my friend had booked for us that evening, a wave of nerves came over me. Something about the way the property stood felt abandoned. As we stood by the front desk I saw signs hung up suggesting ghostly activity. Gulp! On the wall behind us was a picture of a woman and about 30 children. At the bottom of the picture it said Saint Vincent’s Infant Asylum. It was dated to the late 1800s. The front desk manager was gasping for air, apparently attending to a more permanent resident in one of the back buildings. She had been running up and down some stairs. We walked up the creaking stairs into our room and were welcomed with a thick opaque scent. The room smelled of age. Dinner was calling so we drove into the french quarters. All the buildings stood proud with culture and experience. It was beautiful. I couldn't think of anything other than where I was in that moment. All the people that flooded the streets as the moon climbed higher into the sky, weaved in and out of bars. Jazz music filled the air and conversation grew louder. We could have been out all night and not have noticed. The next morning we went back into town for breakfast before heading west. New Orleans is definitely one interesting lady.
Another 8 hours on the road as we headed west to Dallas, Texas. I prayed and sat in my thoughts for what felt like forever. For such a long time I was craving adventure and here it was. Being in the moment is difficult for me. I like to have plans and plan when to make those plans. It’s a bit ridiculous, I know. This trip has been far from that. We were flying by the seat of our pants and it was great! So far, the road to Dallas was encouraging and thrilling. My heart missed Nashville and I pictured myself at school there, with new friends and a new purpose. As the last hours stretched on I began to contemplate what that purpose might be. That’s when I realized that I am capable of anything. That does not come natural to me. As we drove into Dallas, we met up with a couple of friends and danced the night away. Deep Ellum was vivacious and loud. Laughs echoed down alleyways and music oozed from every venue. It was a great Saturday! The following morning we decided to go to brunch with the girls. We talked about love, loss and the latest. Other than the awesome food, the company was fabulous and the support we provided for one another was much needed. There is nothing like hearing “me too” in the midst of feeling so alone. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am to have spent that morning with strong and wise women. And to share such a beautiful memory with them. Perfect way to leave Dallas: Confident and Loved.
We drove sixteen hours overnight to the Grand Canyon and it was so worth it! Waking up with the sun shining over the canyon was nothing short of spectacular. It was the perfect morning to sit in meditation on a cliff side. All I can be is so thankful and grateful for the experience of traveling once again with one of my greatest friends. As I sat there I looked out onto all the earthly beauty, I felt like my heart was melting. More so, I had set my mind on Nashville and am excited to challenge myself by putting myself out there and trying something utterly new. I will be in a new state, attending a new school and creating a new life! I am so excited for the next chapter in my life. And cannot go without saying how grateful I am for all the people who have been in my life and have helped shape me into the person I am today, new and old. Thank you! I hope you all stick around to share this journey with me! As I let go, the more I feel whole.
