28 Revolutions

    Today I am celebrating my 28th birthday. Honestly, I love getting older and learning more about myself and my place in this big, big world. Last we had a chat I had just moved to East Texas. Since then, so much has happened… the short version? I have experienced so much love and friendship, lost love and friendship, created healthy boundaries after not having them, laughed, cried, the whole nine. I have to say, if there is one thing I know is that I am giving it my all. This last year has been the hardest so far, but the most fruitful. The grace and provision that God has so generously given me has made this time by far the most comforting of my life. 

    As I was reflecting on the last – almost - two years, I was really trying to get a better idea of what I actually want for the next year and in life. I didn’t want to just draw up a list of goals, but create habits that I could take into the next year and so on. Year 28 needed a word or a phrase, a theme so-to-speak. Of course, that word came to me this morning… Quality. Quality means simplifying my life and that isn’t as easy for me as it is for some people. Stepping into limiting experiences and relationships to create quality, life-giving moments means I will have to say no to a lot of things and people. Not really my strong suit, since I am usually the yes-man. What I have learned through that though is that what I was giving and receiving probably wasn’t of great quality and knowing that truly is the most uncomfortable truth right now. I want to pour from a place of abundance and quality.

    This season of life has been very eye-opening to the things I need to change or better prioritize. I am so grateful to my people and the support and love and truth spoken over me. Because of that, I am encouraged to step into this new season of intentionality and simplicity that will manifest quality moments. I have had to face hard truths and do some deep inward digging and I truly could not do it without the amazing people in my life. I am learning to fully love me the way I have been loved by those closest to me. I am learning to give myself the grace I have given to so many. That being said, 28 is going to be a year of quality moments, connections, and words. I am truly looking forward to this next year and what is to come. 

    If there’s any advice I could give 18 year old me… be sure of yourself. If someone is uncertain about you, it is okay and not a reflection of who you are and what you bring to the table. Don’t be afraid to walk away and guard your heart. Be unapologetically you because someone, somewhere will always have something to say. Do it anyway! In 10 years you will look back and marvel at your own strength and capacity to love. 

Cheers to a new year! 

 

All my love,

Dezi 

New Year, New... Place

Happy New Year, Y'all!

     Seriously though, what an epic, auspicious feeling this year has. 2020. It's the beginning of a new decade. Um, whoa! Our generation has experienced the turn of the century, iPhones, dating apps, and now we are back to the 20's - the new age 20's of course, but it is pretty cool to say. Really this is the decade where most of us will get married, buy our first homes, have kids, ultimately make big life decisions. I'm definitely shaking in my boots. Shaking out of excitement and thrill! 

     Most of you know that I felt called to move to Texas last year. But the way life works, God made sure I did it in His time and not mine. So, as January rolled around the corner I got ready to make the jump. God asking me to uproot my very comfortable, busy life is nothing less than jarring. I've always known I would move from California but like way later in life. Staying in Los Angeles would mean I'd continue to feel stuck in the busy-body routine that I was living. I really enjoyed the work I was doing. I was so blessed with being apart of families who trusted me to care for their children. Honestly, they took care of me... I'm a great babysitter, promise! Bonding with kids is literally my favorite thing in the whole world and they will forever have a huge place in my heart. One of the sweet babes said "Miss Dezi, you are totally invited to my wedding." She's five!!! My heart literally melted, just a puddle on the ground, go ahead just splash all up in it. Lucy girl, I am holding you to it! 

     For a while I felt so selfish to want to move, to dare leave. But God's call on my life is so much bigger than my bleeding heart. For that I am grateful. He has given me purpose and people to encourage, support and love me through it all. *Shout out to my people, back home and here! I almost needed to move to know how supported and loved I am. That sounds so crazy, saying it out loud. I am almost embarrassed of not truly understanding it before. I do now though. In the uncomfortable I know I am being stretched and the growth is incomparable. I have prayer warriors! God's grace is enough and I feel free. Whew, that feels so good. 

      So January 2nd, my parents and godparents helped me pack my car and Mom and I drove off at first light. The road to East Texas totaled about 36 hours. We sang, we talked and snacked all the drive long. We arrived in Nacogdoches, Texas on Friday night with the warmest welcome and I knew in my heart this was exactly where I need to be for a while. The entire weekend I met beautiful people and had so much fun! Of course everyone was obsessed with my mom and called her momma all weekend. My heart is so full, it is overflowing with gratefulness and love. The kindness I've received really is proof that Texas is the Friend state. I've started work this week and next week I start back at school. I am so ready for what is to come but for now I am enjoying this very moment with my cup of joe and delicious blueberry scone. (Side note:Ya'll we have a blueberry festival in the summer. Be still my heart.) I will revel in the mercies of the Lord and soak up all the feelings. 

     My hope for us all is that we are stepping into this new season with open hearts and open hands, ready to welcome the blessings that are coming our way. I'm not saying it'll be easy like Sunday morning, 'cause who's Sundays are always easy? Amirite?! But that we are willing to endure the difficult and the uncomfortable for the promise that we would be blessed with peace and freedom. 

All my love,

  Dezi 

Pslams 27:14 "Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous..." 

Quarter Life Review

I feel like I have so much explaining to do and it is so overwhelming putting the last year, really the last 3 months into words. Where to begin...

     While so many beautiful and breathtaking moments were made this year, it is hard not to feel rocked when real-life moments come at you. It has taken so much of me to remain positive and really lean into God and trust that everything would turn out all right. Sure, I retreated and needed time to try to wrap my mind around what was happening but I realized more than ever how much human connection and love I needed and wanted. If you know me, you know it is SO hard for me to reach out and say, "Hey friend, I really need someone to be here with me and I want it to be you". It definitely is not easy to admit that either. Let me tell you if you don't tell people what you need or how you feel they won't ever know! *Noted. People want to be there for you, people want to be there for me. Now repeat that until you believe it.

     At the end of my last trip in June, I got sand in my eye and came home to find out that I had some type of eye infection because of it. I thought a few days, maybe a week at most, would give me time to get it checked out and dealt with. One week turned into two, two weeks into a month, okay now it's September. I am not joking when I say just about 20 doctors have looked, poked and prodded at my eyes. I tried 13 different eye drops and still nothing. No one was sure what it was, how I had really gotten it or how long it would be before I was on the path to healing. The month of July was brutal. I had to move back home because my symptoms had gotten worse. I couldn't stand any sort of light. I couldn't watch tv, barely look at my phone (I'm sorry for the late responses or no responses) and forget about being outside. My right eye was bloodshot red, irritated and was swollen shut most of the time. The swelling caused nausea and major migraines that made my skull feel like it was going to break because of the pressure. I barely left my old bedroom. What was thought to have been a corneal abrasion had evolved into a more serious condition.

     By August the doctors had ruled out a couple of things and came to the conclusion that it was a fungal infection caused by the sand that got caught in my eye. I didn't feel totally sure about it. Something inside me said, “That is not it". As the days went by I was losing sight in my right eye. They took a culture of my eye, the pathology results came back inconclusive. I underwent a traumatic surgical biopsy, the pathology results came back inconclusive. Due to complications of that procedure a week later I had to have a cornea transplant, the pathology results came back. I had acanthamoeba keratitis which is a single-cell parasite that is found in tap water, hot tubs, swimming pools, and soil. It is rare but contact wearers are susceptible to it and if gone untreated the result is permanent blindness. This whole time I was being treated for the wrong diagnosis. It is so unsettling and discouraging when medical professionals don't have any answers, worse when they have the wrong answers.

     You know when you're a kid at the beach and you think, ‘Oh I can totally go hip-deep into the water and jump before the wave crashes'. Then you get caught right under the current and you tumble, then another wave crashes over you and you can't tell which way the surface is. That's what it felt like when I got the call from the doctor and had explained to me that this thing that almost left me blind could very well still be in my eye. I lost a little bit of hope. Truthfully, I lost a lot of hope. Over the long weekend, I prayed so much, cried myself to sleep and googled the heck out of this thing. I was angry, scared, and so overwhelmed.

      I wish I could say I stood firm in my faith and looked to the future with assurance right off the bat. It took me a couple days and Joshua 1:9 to remember the peace I have in my heart. I remembered all of the people rooting for me, checking in on me, praying with me. Making mental notes of all the wonderful things that have happened, gorgeous people that I love and who love me made my heart smile. I especially thought of my parents. My stepdad who stocked the freezer with my favorite ice cream, brought snacks galore and got flowers to brighten up the room. He's the absolute GOAT. My mom! She is an absolute rockstar. She was my chauffeur, chef, nurse, alarm clock, confidante, advocate, she helped me file all of my paperwork and I would have been lost without her. THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM! She deserves her own blog post. Like, for real!

     I started my 25th year with an EPIC birthday party. I traveled with so many friends and I am beyond grateful for my tribe. We went from the Grand Canyon to San Fransisco to Nacogdoches to Knoxville and Virginia Beach! I got to work the festival circuit with some rad people and made such wonderful connections with incredibly talented and creative people #chella19. I was accepted into the Nursing Program at SFA in Texas. My church community has been such a beautiful presence in my life. Seriously, I am one blessed lady. As frustrating as the last few months have been I have tried to keep an open mind and open heart as best I can. I have spent a lot of days and nights thinking about where the Lord is leading me. I've purposefully taken time to be alone and reflect on how I am evolving. I am ready to be back with my people, ready to be present and intentional. 26... Here I come! 

     Although I am still being treated and nothing is for certain, I can say with incredible confidence that I can face anything. Sometimes life throws crazy things at you, so crazy you want to cry. So cry, look in the mirror and remember that you are one bad Mama Jama and surround yourself with those who love you. Because I love you! 

All my love,

Dezi 

"This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord, your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

My Truth.

    It has been almost two whole years since I've written a blog. I suppose I gave up. I didn't believe that my voice mattered, because I have been the one who "always has something to say", the one who always has a list of too many questions to ask. I've been looked over, cut off and told time and time again that what I have to say isn't true or important. I refuse to believe that lie anymore. 

    To start I want to share with you who I am. I am sensitive and strong-willed. I am emotional and passionate. I am weak and strong. I need help and am so helpful to others. I am loyal, sometimes to a fault. I love with my whole heart and I hurt with my whole heart. I am simple in pleasures and complicated in my thoughts. I am creative and hold myself to some pretty gnarly expectations. I'm afraid of letting anyone down. It's hard for me to say no. It's hard for me to love myself. I know, I am a MESS. All aboard the struggle bus! Choo Choo! I want so much for myself, but then I feel guilty for wanting more than all the blessings I already have. Why should I have more? Who am I that I "deserve" to be happier than I am? Am I really happy? Practicing contentment is so freaking hard. Living every moment with a grateful heart takes the wind out of my lungs. It's paralyzing. My mind is a scary, scary place. 

     At the core of it all, I'm still struggling with my identity. I was given a name that I just don't recognize anymore. Names are delicate and connection. They can be the start of something new or a new chapter of a story that was established with triumph and courage. For me, it's blurred lines, abuse, anger, literal and relational loss in translation. I found my identity in Christ a few years ago and it has brought so much healing, but the spiritual enemy has used my past and brokenness in heavy ways lately. It's caused a fog so thick that I am stuck. I have been on edge and incredibly sensitive to pretty much everything. So, for those of you who experienced that, I am truly sorry. I am trying to pray and lean into God, but I just want to sit and throw a spiritual tantrum like a kid at target who is way past their nap time and wants all the things. 

     The enemy is using very real tactics to break me down. I'm telling my truth here as a way of therapy, to exhale all that I've been carrying on my chest, to reassure those of you who have, are or perhaps may feel this later on. I am here to extend a hand full of love and understanding because that is all I have craved. To sit and cry and not be judged by how much I feel. Being called to Christ has not been easy but the freedom I feel when I step to Him and say "I need you" and leave everything at His feet is amazing. I sit in the sun and feel the warmth of life and remember the times that I wanted to take my own life and how ridiculous and foolish that was. I think of how I almost let evil get to me. I lived in a darkness that I never want to go back to. I know I was meant for more, I can have more and I am worthy of all the love and happiness I can find. More love for me doesn't mean there is less for anyone else. 

     I worked with an amazing crew for almost a month and I was floored with how well we flowed and how much love we immediately had for one another. It was a blessing to meet such wonderful people from all over the country and realize love is in abundance. Now I can't seem to see the world any other way. I am starting a new book, with a new sense of adventure and a new name. 

    The last two years have been nothing short of amazing. This season of life has come with new jobs, a new core group of supportive friends and an unbelievable life-giving truth. With all of the affirmative love came waves of uncovered trauma and an ache I didn't realize I still carried. 25 has been a year of intense reflection and battling my own thoughts and passions in the pits of my depression. If this strikes a chord for you, let me tell you... You are not alone. You are exquisite. You are a force. You are light. The world needs You. 

With all the love I can offer,
Dezi 

Cross Country

       As we pass Stoney Ridge, Texas; I thank God for all that He has blessed me with: A loving and supportive family and a welcoming friend and life community. I have so much gratitude and appreciation for life. Driving across the country with open fields, endless roads and hours that came with no end, has really made me think. Thoughts about life, my past, my future and the expectation of which that future comes with, plagued the hours of my days. I have been inspired, motivated and challenged. I've also spent the last several days talking myself out of jumping into the unknown. There's so much my heart desires and I've been punishing myself for wanting too much. I have no idea why! Maybe it is all that's been burned into my brain. Or possibly the words that have slashed my heart like a whip. All this time I was thinking I had grieved and healed. Traveling cross country reveals so much more than just breathtaking scenery.

     We started our trek in the woods of Wooster, Ohio. In the midst of farms and Amish country, I cannot begin to explain the yearning in my heart for simple and peaceful, country living. My friend and her family showed me days of fun and life in the country. I have never felt so at ease and without anxiety. It may have been all the luscious trees or perhaps all the homemade pie. Regardless, it was the first time I was able to fill my lungs with fresh air without worry. For those of you who don't know, I am a highly anxious and easily stressed person. To imagine a life with a house, a husband, a few children and pets running amuck was unreal. I've always wanted a family, but to envision it and feel it so tangible in Ohio is unbelievable. I'm a city girl, born and raised in the rambunctious, vibrant life of Los Angeles. Yet I feel such a strong pull to settle in the green and spacious country. Life growing up was far from easy but I was happy. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be… more. Yes, this is my quarter life crisis. If you don't recognize it then you haven’t had yours just yet and I hope you do not encounter it. But sitting in the woods, painting my future in the city just felt so restricting. I can see I could be more and have more out here. A city like Los Angeles is an ocean. One where fish can flop and go unnoticed. I realize that sounds dark and twisty but I don't want to be lost in a dreary life. A life where I am consumed with work because I have to work 50 plus hours to pay my mortgage and bills. A life without adventure or excitement, I couldn't bear it. The future is so far away but it feels like I am entering the days that I didn't think would come any sooner.  

   As we trekked on, driving through Kentucky to Nashville, I felt sad, like I was leaving a dream world. The closer we got to Tennessee the more the excitement grew inside me. We reached Nashville, greeted by warmth and about 85% humidity. We were visiting with my friend’s brother and his wife. They welcomed us into their charming home and showed us around town. I was growing fonder of Nashville. There was country and city, not an overwhelming metropolis but fun places and bright lights. Enough to keep ones attention. It started to feel comfortable and almost familiar. Meanwhile exploring Tennessee, it dawned on me that if I loved it so much over here: why not live here? The more I thought about it and played with the idea of creating a life for myself here, the more it felt possible. A few days in the hidden gems of Nashville and I was hooked! It is city enough to feed my busy lifestyle, but country enough to make room for my future. We drove off with excitement and motivation pulsing in my heart. Although, the drive through Alabama and Mississippi began to draw my thoughts to the negative. If I moved to Tennessee I'd be alone, without a job and where would I live? There's no way I would make it. I can't do it, I thought. I began to pray for God to reassure me that my hearts desires are valid and absolutely possible. I sat with my feelings for the next several hours and asked myself some questions… Why do you think you can't do it? ... Do you believe you are truly alone?... Why don't you believe in yourself?  There it was. There I was: 4 years old with pigtails and tears in my eyes, afraid. I thought I had moved beyond my past, let it go and believed in the good of the world. I'm still holding on, white knuckles and a lump in my throat. Honks and aggressive cars interrupt my thoughts; New Orleans, Louisiana! 

    Nola was a different world. Buildings were half torn, streets were filled with people, history sang at every corner. It felt haunted. So much had happened there and you could feel it all crawling on your skin. When we arrived at the guest house my friend had booked for us that evening, a wave of nerves came over me. Something about the way the property stood felt abandoned. As we stood by the front desk I saw signs hung up suggesting ghostly activity. Gulp! On the wall behind us was a picture of a woman and about 30 children. At the bottom of the picture it said Saint Vincent’s Infant Asylum. It was dated to the late 1800s. The front desk manager was gasping for air, apparently attending to a more permanent resident in one of the back buildings. She had been running up and down some stairs. We walked up the creaking stairs into our room and were welcomed with a thick opaque scent. The room smelled of age. Dinner was calling so we drove into the french quarters. All the buildings stood proud with culture and experience. It was beautiful. I couldn't think of anything other than where I was in that moment. All the people that flooded the streets as the moon climbed higher into the sky, weaved in and out of bars. Jazz music filled the air and conversation grew louder. We could have been out all night and not have noticed. The next morning we went back into town for breakfast before heading west. New Orleans is definitely one interesting lady. 

     Another 8 hours on the road as we headed west to Dallas, Texas. I prayed and sat in my thoughts for what felt like forever. For such a long time I was craving adventure and here it was. Being in the moment is difficult for me. I like to have plans and plan when to make those plans. It’s a bit ridiculous, I know. This trip has been far from that. We were flying by the seat of our pants and it was great! So far, the road to Dallas was encouraging and thrilling. My heart missed Nashville and I pictured myself at school there, with new friends and a new purpose. As the last hours stretched on I began to contemplate what that purpose might be. That’s when I realized that I am capable of anything. That does not come natural to me. As we drove into Dallas, we met up with a couple of friends and danced the night away. Deep Ellum was vivacious and loud. Laughs echoed down alleyways and music oozed from every venue. It was a great Saturday! The following morning we decided to go to brunch with the girls. We talked about love, loss and the latest. Other than the awesome food, the company was fabulous and the support we provided for one another was much needed. There is nothing like hearing “me too” in the midst of feeling so alone. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am to have spent that morning with strong and wise women. And to share such a beautiful memory with them. Perfect way to leave Dallas: Confident and Loved. 

    We drove sixteen hours overnight to the Grand Canyon and it was so worth it! Waking up with the sun shining over the canyon was nothing short of spectacular. It was the perfect morning to sit in meditation on a cliff side. All I can be is so thankful and grateful for the experience of traveling once again with one of my greatest friends. As I sat there I looked out onto all the earthly beauty, I felt like my heart was melting. More so, I had set my mind on Nashville and am excited to challenge myself by putting myself out there and trying something utterly new. I will be in a new state, attending a new school and creating a new life! I am so excited for the next chapter in my life. And cannot go without saying how grateful I am for all the people who have been in my life and have helped shape me into the person I am today, new and old. Thank you! I hope you all stick around to share this journey with me! As I let go, the more I feel whole. 

Cheers to growth, adventure and fun! 

Life is About to Change

      "Hi! Welcome, my name is Deziree I will be your bartender for this evening. Can I get you started with something to drink, our house-made lemonade? Handcrafted infused cocktail?"... five, sometimes six, days a week. For just about six years. I haven't been a bartender for six years, but I have worked for the same company, the same store, in the same town for a very long time. I started fresh out of high school. Worked my way up the ladder from a host to a part-time manager. I know the ins and outs of this restaurant. Although my team is great - my second family really - I've decided to step out of my comfort zone. 

     I've been climbing Mount Fear for quite some time now. If you know me... you know that I'm afraid of heights. I joke that God blessed me with being short, thankfully I'm closer to the ground. So about this mountain... at times it's been incredibly steep. Other times it's been like walking through the desert, in a dust storm, without water. Sounds pretty horrible now that I'm saying it out loud. Nonetheless, that's exactly how I felt. I had a dream months ago that I was climbing this mountain for what felt like hours on end. I reached the top and I wanted to hurl everything weighing me down over the cliff. I screamed. I cried. I fell to my hands and knees and felt meaningless and so afraid. I woke up with chills. I've been climbing the wrong mountain. I want off!!! The only way down is to jump. So I jumped.

     Sometimes I want to sit in a dark corner and sob. I don't. I could, but what good would that do? I've been praying and thinking, trying to quiet my mind and heart to hear what God wants for me. And he keeps whispering to me. Trust me, Dezi, I'm here.  I lose my breath in those moments. I've been fighting myself to let it all go. Until now that is. The notion that I've been solely responsible for my unhappiness is exciting and all too comforting. I've been sitting in that where I know this space so well that I remain unhappy to be "comfortable". Here is my sign. I'm falling into the unknown but I fully trust that God is there. To guide me and shelter me from whatever is to come. There's no structure, no clear plan after the next couple weeks. All I know is that I'm searching for what makes me genuinely and incredibly happy. I choose to believe there is room for everyone's ultimate happiness and that we live in an abundant universe. 

     By Elizabeth Gilbert's explanation in her book Big Magic, we shouldn't live against fear but with it, alongside it. Making space for every possibility has been the most difficult yard-work on my soul I've ever done. Fear will never go away, but to look it in the face and acknowledge that it's there and accept it for who it is has given me freedom. It's no longer a distraction but a sense of motivation. I'm afraid of not being good enough in my art, therefore I will welcome that fear, sit with it and say "I feel you fear, but this makes me happy and I'm gonna do it anyway". There's so much the world is willing to offer and opening up to that is such a beautiful challenge. I owe the universe my best self. So here it goes, life is about to change. 

Love,
Dezi

I'm Ready?

     Some of you may be thinking about a yellow square singing "I'm ready, I'm ready"... Dang it guys! He's ready and maybe so am I? But for what? LIFE! I am ready to open up to all that this Ah-mazing universe has to offer. I run towards it with arms wide open, so hopeful and faithful. With tears of joy welling in my eyes, making plans that I could have only dreamed of. I get close enough to smell the crisp goodness of wondrous posibility... Then come to a screeching halt as if I'm about to slam into a 10' by 10' brick wall. WHYYYY?!
     In the past few weeks I have been in an emotional rut. My work life has plateaued. My personal life has been a bit lifeless since all the traveling magic. My romantic life is, well, what is that exactly? As I sit here listening to Italian opera, I've realized that I'm lacking some passion. Passion for my work, passion for my relationships, and even less for love. Truth time, I have been so critical of myself in every aspect of my life. So much so that I stopped taking care for myself.  Rarely working out, telling myself that I will never be as happy, fit, successful or in love as I once was. I was telling myself lies. Psyching myself out is my super power. What's yours?
    Now, it's time to do some exercises. Pull out a pen and paper if you're ready to figure out what the heck is wrong with you. First off, write your name and date at the top of the paper. Secondly, draw a heart or a star or a flower anywhere on that same piece of paper. Make a list of three of your most undesirable traits. Here's my list as an example...
1. Constantly too available
2. can be jealous of others and what they have in their lives
3. I've gained 8 pounds and has gone straight to the not so good places to have extra weight

Okay good, now beside each of these points you will write why these "undesirable" characteristics make you so damn great.

- being available allows me to make time for people who want to create a genuine human connection with me.
- I have high expectations for what I desire in my life and have great examples around me of what I should work towards.
- My body is beautiful and I enjoy great food and over those delicious meals I've had amazing conversations with amazing people.

     It's time to love ourselves and be present in everything that we do. Release your tight grip on what you think you can control and change what you can. I've recently moved to a charming apartment with one of my best friends and our kick-ass roommate, I am starting back up at school in the fall to continue my path towards becoming a math teacher and I have promised myself to sit in the vulnerable spaces and grow in my art of dance.  I have decided to make some more great changes in my life that are in the works, but for now that'll do. Normally, I bite off way too much than I can handle and I overwhelm myself and cue the psyching out. Not today mister!
     As for love, I am trying to enjoy being single and exploring life as it is. My heart desires companionship, a partner to adventure along side of, another heart to beat with. To meet someone, to create a life with, to lean on one another and love each other unconditionally. That is something I cannot disregard, but instead I'm leaving it to God to work on me and shape me into the woman I need to be for the man He's preparing for me. That alone I trust. For now I will passionately love myself and find ways to fill my love tank.  I am so Ready!

Here's to being all together awesome!  Cheers!

Love,
    Dezi