I feel like I have so much explaining to do and it is so overwhelming putting the last year, really the last 3 months into words. Where to begin...
While so many beautiful and breathtaking moments were made this year, it is hard not to feel rocked when real-life moments come at you. It has taken so much of me to remain positive and really lean into God and trust that everything would turn out all right. Sure, I retreated and needed time to try to wrap my mind around what was happening but I realized more than ever how much human connection and love I needed and wanted. If you know me, you know it is SO hard for me to reach out and say, "Hey friend, I really need someone to be here with me and I want it to be you". It definitely is not easy to admit that either. Let me tell you if you don't tell people what you need or how you feel they won't ever know! *Noted. People want to be there for you, people want to be there for me. Now repeat that until you believe it.
At the end of my last trip in June, I got sand in my eye and came home to find out that I had some type of eye infection because of it. I thought a few days, maybe a week at most, would give me time to get it checked out and dealt with. One week turned into two, two weeks into a month, okay now it's September. I am not joking when I say just about 20 doctors have looked, poked and prodded at my eyes. I tried 13 different eye drops and still nothing. No one was sure what it was, how I had really gotten it or how long it would be before I was on the path to healing. The month of July was brutal. I had to move back home because my symptoms had gotten worse. I couldn't stand any sort of light. I couldn't watch tv, barely look at my phone (I'm sorry for the late responses or no responses) and forget about being outside. My right eye was bloodshot red, irritated and was swollen shut most of the time. The swelling caused nausea and major migraines that made my skull feel like it was going to break because of the pressure. I barely left my old bedroom. What was thought to have been a corneal abrasion had evolved into a more serious condition.
By August the doctors had ruled out a couple of things and came to the conclusion that it was a fungal infection caused by the sand that got caught in my eye. I didn't feel totally sure about it. Something inside me said, “That is not it". As the days went by I was losing sight in my right eye. They took a culture of my eye, the pathology results came back inconclusive. I underwent a traumatic surgical biopsy, the pathology results came back inconclusive. Due to complications of that procedure a week later I had to have a cornea transplant, the pathology results came back. I had acanthamoeba keratitis which is a single-cell parasite that is found in tap water, hot tubs, swimming pools, and soil. It is rare but contact wearers are susceptible to it and if gone untreated the result is permanent blindness. This whole time I was being treated for the wrong diagnosis. It is so unsettling and discouraging when medical professionals don't have any answers, worse when they have the wrong answers.
You know when you're a kid at the beach and you think, ‘Oh I can totally go hip-deep into the water and jump before the wave crashes'. Then you get caught right under the current and you tumble, then another wave crashes over you and you can't tell which way the surface is. That's what it felt like when I got the call from the doctor and had explained to me that this thing that almost left me blind could very well still be in my eye. I lost a little bit of hope. Truthfully, I lost a lot of hope. Over the long weekend, I prayed so much, cried myself to sleep and googled the heck out of this thing. I was angry, scared, and so overwhelmed.
I wish I could say I stood firm in my faith and looked to the future with assurance right off the bat. It took me a couple days and Joshua 1:9 to remember the peace I have in my heart. I remembered all of the people rooting for me, checking in on me, praying with me. Making mental notes of all the wonderful things that have happened, gorgeous people that I love and who love me made my heart smile. I especially thought of my parents. My stepdad who stocked the freezer with my favorite ice cream, brought snacks galore and got flowers to brighten up the room. He's the absolute GOAT. My mom! She is an absolute rockstar. She was my chauffeur, chef, nurse, alarm clock, confidante, advocate, she helped me file all of my paperwork and I would have been lost without her. THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM! She deserves her own blog post. Like, for real!
I started my 25th year with an EPIC birthday party. I traveled with so many friends and I am beyond grateful for my tribe. We went from the Grand Canyon to San Fransisco to Nacogdoches to Knoxville and Virginia Beach! I got to work the festival circuit with some rad people and made such wonderful connections with incredibly talented and creative people #chella19. I was accepted into the Nursing Program at SFA in Texas. My church community has been such a beautiful presence in my life. Seriously, I am one blessed lady. As frustrating as the last few months have been I have tried to keep an open mind and open heart as best I can. I have spent a lot of days and nights thinking about where the Lord is leading me. I've purposefully taken time to be alone and reflect on how I am evolving. I am ready to be back with my people, ready to be present and intentional. 26... Here I come!
Although I am still being treated and nothing is for certain, I can say with incredible confidence that I can face anything. Sometimes life throws crazy things at you, so crazy you want to cry. So cry, look in the mirror and remember that you are one bad Mama Jama and surround yourself with those who love you. Because I love you!
All my love,
Dezi
"This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord, your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
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