I have recently decided to devote my life to Christ and walk with Jesus. It has been the easiest decision I make every morning. I choose to read scripture, to pray, to thank Him for all the blessings in my life and even the things that at first don't feel like blessings. I choose over and over again to trust and love Jesus and learn and practice to love like Him. In doing all of this, He heals me. My heart is taken care of constantly. If I could paint you a picture of what my heart looks like right now it would look like beautiful gates surrounding my heart. Just like the Buckingham Palace! And every day He asks me, "Dezi, what is the condition of your heart? How are you feeling today? What can I do to fill your heart?". Now, that's my relationship with Him. And almost every day I ask Him will I ever have a boyfriend?!
My dating record... well, let's be honest here, it's a very very shortlist. I know God's intentions are to bring light and love into my life, even though I'm stubborn and like to rush the process. My first relationship began my senior year of high school. I was 17 and I met the boy that I felt was the absolute love of my life. We became the best of friends. We shared secrets, passions, pains, laughs, and even sweaters. We dated for just about 3 years. Ah, to be young and in love. Seems like a lifetime ago, but the pain always resides. As time continued on, as it always does, we grew apart. It wasn't a horrible break up, no "I hate you"s and you suck. I mean, I thought it for a while but hey! it's natural. He was the first guy I had ever trusted. The first male to show me what love feels like. I thank God every day that I know that kind of love. Moving forward from that relationship was tough. As is every first heartbreak. I was single for about another 3 years before I decided to date the new-age way. Oh yes! Good ol'Tinder. This is a safe space, no judgments.
Several dates into the app, I soon realized that I was a sinking ship. I met really cool guys, had pretty superficial conversations. A couple of movies, a dinner or two. Barely scratching the surface, I began to reflect on what I thought I wanted. Something I was in search of, I just wasn't finding. In meeting this guy, I was totally at a loss for words. He was the first man I had ever dated - spent more than a meal and a movie with. My first adult relationship. We both had jobs and bills and adult friends with hobbies and hangouts. Dating him was like learning to breathe deep into my soul. Like when you finally get the hang of yoga and you can sort of kind of balance, in a lanky "I think I'm a flamingo" but not really type of stance. And as we grew in what I thought was the comfort it dawned on me that I wasn't really breathing. I inhaled all the good but was holding on to all the bad and mistaking it for what potentially could have been catastrophic to my heart. It only lasted a few months before I realized he was a rent-a-boyfriend. The kind of relationship with all the feels, without the commitment. I thought that is what "dating" was, never knowing what it really meant. He was this great guy, funny as heck, killer smile. I felt like I could be myself around him and that made all the difference in the world. Acceptance. Something I had longed for, for a quite some time. He had so much love for me and I for him. But something deep in my heart just didn't feel like it fit. The conditions were his, not mine. I was walking on eggshells hoping I wouldn't say something or react in a way that "scared him off". I prayed about it. Low and behold, we parted ways and that was that.
Several dates into the app, I soon realized that I was a sinking ship. I met really cool guys, had pretty superficial conversations. A couple of movies, a dinner or two. Barely scratching the surface, I began to reflect on what I thought I wanted. Something I was in search of, I just wasn't finding. In meeting this guy, I was totally at a loss for words. He was the first man I had ever dated - spent more than a meal and a movie with. My first adult relationship. We both had jobs and bills and adult friends with hobbies and hangouts. Dating him was like learning to breathe deep into my soul. Like when you finally get the hang of yoga and you can sort of kind of balance, in a lanky "I think I'm a flamingo" but not really type of stance. And as we grew in what I thought was the comfort it dawned on me that I wasn't really breathing. I inhaled all the good but was holding on to all the bad and mistaking it for what potentially could have been catastrophic to my heart. It only lasted a few months before I realized he was a rent-a-boyfriend. The kind of relationship with all the feels, without the commitment. I thought that is what "dating" was, never knowing what it really meant. He was this great guy, funny as heck, killer smile. I felt like I could be myself around him and that made all the difference in the world. Acceptance. Something I had longed for, for a quite some time. He had so much love for me and I for him. But something deep in my heart just didn't feel like it fit. The conditions were his, not mine. I was walking on eggshells hoping I wouldn't say something or react in a way that "scared him off". I prayed about it. Low and behold, we parted ways and that was that.
Soon after, I found God and reaffirmed my faith and trust, giving my life to the Lord. I still want to date and put myself out there, but in a way that keeps the condition of my heart in good health. I pray that in time I will be able to portray a good mate and prospective wife for someone. That the condition of my heart is and will remain my first focus. And that the man meant for me is doing just that, conditioning his heart just as much. Growing up I never really understood what grown-ups meant when they would say "when you are ready, it means you aren't ready". At least, not until now. So, when is a good time to date? My guess is when you least expect it. Keep yourself open to an opportunity, radiate the love you desire. Accept yourself in all its complete exquisiteness.
Prioritize the condition of your heart. Breathe in the multitude of possibilities for your life. Do not limit yourself to what you are afraid of. Life is so much more than that. I accept that I still need some work on mine, and I'll be cheering for you!
Love you much,
Dezi
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