Driving Miss Dezi

     As I sit in this hip - not hipster - coffee shop in Nob Hill, I can't help but be utterly content. With my costa rican coffee blend in hand and rain dancing outside I realize, I've made it. I drove 7 hours from LA all the way up to the bay (with a few stops along the way). Taking time off of work was exceptionally difficult. If you know me, you know that I'm a crazed work-a-holic. Last year I felt my life plateau and pushed me into a depression. I was trading my time, my energy, my life; to make someone else's prosperity. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job and the responsibility and the people it comes with. Yes, there is a "but". But I was feeling stuck, from the knees down. Like what I was doing didn't make much of a difference to my life. Working five to six days a week, seven to eight hours a shift. I made money, but bills consumed it and the rest of what I made I wasn't enjoying. What was the point of working all those hours and letting the outside world slip away?

     Now, when you are in a heavy season of repetition and on autopilot you forget that you can just take 3 or 4 days and drive away. So I did just that. I booked an Airbnb and drove off. I don't have a husband nor do I have kids, and that's the beauty of it! I don't have any responsibility but myself. When I was home I was feeling the downfall of that. Gosh, I'm single and lonely, I have no kids and searching for a purpose. Mind you, my Facebook and Instagram feed was overflowed with pictures of couples and their newly adopted puppies, their new homes, pregnancies and newborns. I ignored the urge to unfollow every single one of those accounts. They are my friends and I am engulfed in happiness for them meanwhile my heart was devoured by self pity. I hated it and a good part of the time I hated myself. I knew I was due for a new perspective. The year ended and the question of New Year resolutions was hanging about. We are well into the new year but this is my New Year resolution: to live with intention, to emit love and just be. Be me, be happy, be gracious to myself and those around me. Let me tell you, a seven hour drive definitely forces you to think about just about everything. It's refreshing.

     The first seven hours of my creative retreat looked as such: 

As I left my downtown Glendale apartment at 5:30 am, I felt my stomach begin to churn and anxiety build up in my mind. The night was chilly and the streets were quiet as I pulled out into the wild. I hopped onto the freeway heading west taking the scenic route, up the coast. I thought to myself, What am I doing? I'm going to be alone. What if something happens?! Deziree, turn around! But I didn't. I turned up the radio and started to sing along to Alabama Shakes' Dunes. I don't recall actually thinking about anything until an hour into driving. I pulled off the freeway to grab a Starbucks coffee- with an extra shot of espresso. When I got back onto the 101 freeway I began to wonder what my life will look like in the next couple years. I snapped myself back into reality and wondered what the heck I was going to do for the next several hours. Ha! I kept singing along to my music and the churning feeling was gone. By the time I reached Pismo beach, I was in 'total relax' mode. I drove through the small town dreaming of living off the beach in a cute house with a big dog. I began to pray that God would bless me with my hearts desires of having a family and sturdy home. When I coasted into wine country my heart was in awe of all the natural beauty that this beautiful state has to offer. I thought of my awesome friends back home and all the wine we could drink there. We really like wine. Approaching the halfway point to San Francisco I listed all the things I don't like about myself and then continued listing the things I did like about myself (this we'll talk about next time). I thought a lot about how I would reshape myself in this new year and where I want to travel, and what I wanted to read. I thought about what scared me and what made me upset and what hurt me. All that resulted in realizing how much I would let affect me. I made a promise to myself back in Salinas, California that I wouldn't give way for that much to tug at my heart. Stopping in Stanford for gas, I gave thanks to God for getting my there safely. The excitement was building up and was looking forward to the next few days. The last 40 minutes of the drive was filled with being proud of myself for making it that far on my own. When I pulled up to the apartment I'm staying at I pictured myself really living here. Or maybe just coming up more often. 7 hours filled with sighs, yawns, tears, sing-a-longs, laughs... yes I laughed to myself by myself and it was glorious!

     The week prior to this trip I had friends and family ask who I was coming up with and why I was coming here. I said "just because". I received a good number of what felt like negative retorts but more favorable responses. Thanks guys! This is my first solo road trip and so far I love every second of it. No one to plan the day with. No one to entertain or make sense of my iTunes playlist. No chance of arguing. I go as the San Francisco breeze takes me. Why San Francisco? It's city enough to feel like home and far enough to feel strange. Google maps has been my best friend these couple of days! The idea of traveling by my lonesome always scared me. I now understand why people love it so much. I've learned that I enjoy black coffee - real coffee. I love Disney songs and I'm not ashamed of it. I really do like the rain. And hot cocoa makes my heart sing. I encourage those of you who haven't travelled alone to do so and commend those who do already. I'm excited for more of these trips this year. But, for now I'm happy here in the bay. Next up, some clam chowder on the wharf! 

Much love,
Dezi