Evolving and growing in the spiritual, physical and emotional aspects of my life have been my main focus this year. Intention is my theme for 2017, so I have the intention of growing and healing as much as possible. My life group leader initiated our group meeting with one question... How can I grow? In the 20 minutes set for us to journal, we listed goals that would help us grow in each category. It was difficult and scary for me. Those 20 minutes felt daunting. Not because I don't want to grow or don't think I need to- because I definitely do - but because of the pain I feel in revealing what my weaknesses are and why I'm stuck there. I listed goals that make sense for me in this stage of my faith under spirituality. For example, begin my day with prayers of gratitude and meditate on life subjects that are heavy on my heart and offer them to God. Those little things allow me to become closer to God and ultimately leads to a big difference in my everyday. I already had a whole book of goals that I want to set for myself physically. Like going on a jog 4 days a week, do sunrise yoga after prayer time, eat 2 fruits a day and read a book or two a month. Those obviously came with ease, but when I reached the emotional category I was stumped.
In all honesty, I do not know how to grow emotionally. I need to and I want to. Peeling back layers of my story isn't easy. It isn't the first thing I think about. Heck! It isn't even the last. I started thinking about my emotions and the aches came rushing into my body. Physical aches, like I felt a my shoulders starting to slump over and my chest was getting tight. My emotional sickness affects every fiber of my physical being. For the first five minutes I began to panic. Everyone has their own personal pain and grief, places in their lives that need work. I am aware of what needs to be done but HOW?! In the ten minutes that ticked on, I tried thinking of the way I feel at certain times of the day. My confidence is low when I leave my apartment, so I wrote down: before leaving home list 3 things I love about myself. I continued to think about what frustrates me, whether it be at work or with my friends or family. I jotted down to listen, understand and practice patience with everyone I come in contact with. What angers me? My failed relationships. Not just dating, but friendships and the relationship I have with my father - or lack thereof. But, that's as far as I got. I stopped myself from peeking further in.
Living with anxiety has been the most challenging for me. A week ago I had an anxiety attack, one that I couldn't shake off. Normally, I can breathe slowly and deeply and focus on something pretty or a sound and it just dissipates. Maybe not right away but eventually it goes away. I suppose after the couple of weeks I had my body was in overdrive. My brain was sending way too many signals to the rest of my body that it went into shock. Thinking about how I feel and what that means and asking myself where I can challenge myself emotionally is foreign and uncomfortable. This week that is my challenge. I challenge myself to inch into my healing daily. I challenge myself to breathe slowly and give myself grace when things get hard. I challenge myself to see past what is going wrong and enjoy what is going right. Even if it hurts and it gets scary. I challenge myself to feel those growing pains and use them to create art, despite the tightness in my chest and spinning rooms. All I can say is that you keep me accountable for these personal challenges. You who are reading, even if it's one of you. I thank you, for being there. For hearing me. For allowing me the space to be as open and honest as I can bear to be. Thank you.
With much love,
Dezi
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